So you thought you were going to get another inflammatory piece about race politics, huh? Well, you were wrong! This one's on the flashpoint topic of fake tans. Why are so many people uncomfortable in the pastiness of their own skin? In Marie Antoinette's time pale skin was considered beautiful. Why the change? Is it okay to fake it if you're a boy? We asked some of these questions to our kindly volunteer tan victims.

Patricia:

What is so bad about being white, or some might say ‘pasty’?

I hate white skin, and I think it looks unhealthy. Having a tan makes me feel better about myself.

What do you use, fake tan or sunbeds?

I use Piz Buin. I have previously used sunbeds, however I prefer fake tan as I like instant colour.

Dont you think its more on the orange side?

Yes I have had trouble, but I just feel better than being white. I feel Piz Buin suits my skin better and keeps the orange at bay!

How often do you apply?

Everyday, after bathing.

Would you say you are obsessed?

Not obsessed, no.

Hmmm ok... But applying everyday, that’s a little over the top wouldn't you say?

It’s a routine I guess. I just want to keep the tan even not streaky.

How about the stains it leaves, and the smells?

I have used some in the past which haven't ended well, but I'm happy with the one I'm using at the moment.

Any comments as you seem quite a pro?

For pale people try to use a colour that suits your skin.

Oswald:

How often have you used a sun bed?

About 10 times (probably more like 7-8).

What is so bad about being White?

It makes me look ill and thus unattractive (a tan can also hide tiredness and a hangover, which I usually have).

Have you ever used fake tan?

No but I once stayed over at a girls house and used some of her tinted body moisturiser. I was pleased with the results.

Don't you think it's a bit gay to fake tan? Are you gay?

Yes I do and no I'm not gay… But I am in touch with my feminine side. I believe the correct term is 'metrosexual'.

Would you say you get more action when you're tanned?

Without a doubt.

Some names have been changed