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The 18 February 2005 finally saw a day that every normal
person who doesn’t like fapping to animal-gore-porn had been waiting for. The Government finally decided to do what around 80 percent of the population had
been campaigning for them to do for the last ten years and outlawed the
practice of chasing down small woodland animals with a 40 strong gang of
screaming, horn-blowing, gun-wielding psychopaths, mortally wounding said
animal before setting a pack of trained dogs on the wretched creature to reduce it to a mangled, twitching mess of torn flesh, and then celebrating ‘back at the manor’ with a bowl of caviar and a flute of champagne.
Unfortunately the government wasn’t aware who they were dealing with. These
are people that exist outside of the law. They don’t care about the rules the rest
of society tries impose on them. They don’t live in the cities. They consider
the countryside and everything that lives in it their personal property - 40,
000 of them even went so far to openly declare they fully intended to defy any
government legislation. We’re talking about some of the richest and most
powerful people in the country and if they want to torture defenseless little creatures
for the lulz then god-damn it they’re going to have themselves a ball.
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We spoke to a hunt saboteur named X who really, really hates these blood
crazed bastards (BCBs). So if you’re not rich and from the country enough to be
into blood sports and fancy sabotaging some of the fun of posh people, here are some
suggestions:
Horn Calls
Mr X told us one way to stop these BCBs is with a thing called ‘horn calls’.
This is when you acquire a horn much like the one the BCBs have and use that to
control the hounds. It’s a bit like when you get one of those ‘one for all’
remote controls and start fucking with someone else’s TV set or something. They
tell the dogs to kill, rip and tear and you then tell them to run around in
circles, chase their tail and then sit and play dead. If the huntsman is using
a slow call that means he is probably trying to stop or slow the dogs down
because they’re stupid animals and are running the wrong way. So you start a
fast call to keep them doing exactly that. You have to be careful though
because once the BCBs start getting frustrated they’re likely to maybe go to
their massive bank accounts and withdraw enough money to buy and have a tiger
shipped over from Africa and then set that on the dogs because they like seeing
powerful stuff kill helpless stuff.
Sprays
You can buy a spray called ANTI-MATE
which is used to keep horny dogs away from bitches on heat by messing around
with the dog’s sense of smell. Or you can get some garlic, some lemon scented
oil called citronella and mix it up with tap water. These smells are used to
dull the hound’s sense of smell so they cannot track down main, torture and
massacre the ‘huntee’. You may also spray dried blood everywhere to confuse the
dogs and the BCBs also. Spraying ANTI-MATE on your hands and then casually
stroking the dogs will also confuse the hell out of them and prevent them from
finding the prey. None of these sprays contain any kind of material which could
harm the animal in any way.
Getting Physical
If a fox manages to go to
ground and the Terriermen (dog-handlers) are called in, they will get the dogs
to terrorise the fox to the point where it comes back out into the open in a
futile attempt to save its own life, set the dogs on it until it’s too bloody,
injured and in too much pain to try to escape any more, grab it and then stuff
it into a bag for a few days until it’s healed enough to go through the whole
rigmarole again. The other option is just to allow the dogs to tear the fox
slowly to pieces, laugh when the eye pops out of the socket, giggle when the
intestines spill all over the floor, cover their noses when the smell of
yet-to-be-passed fecal matter and various stomach acids fill the air and then
go and find another one to kill. This is a chance for the Homer Simpsons
amongst us to come to the fore. You basically stride into the hunt, fearless
with six-pack in hand, sit yourself down on the fox or badger sett (tunnel),
turn up your ipod and then sit there until the BCBs are forced to fuck off back
to the manor. This can potentially lead to a violent and uncomfortable
situation but rarely will because the type of self-serving, greedy, completely
lacking in empathy, anti-social, murderous, blood thirsty, gun-loving, bullies
of the countryside are generally complete and utter cowards and won’t dare lift
a finger against something their own fucking size (you).
Do you think that a good book or kick about is more fun than causing unimaginable pain and suffering to an animal? Well then you're obviously a stupid stinking hippy and like us you'll probably think that the League Against Cruel Sportswebsite is worth a visit.
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Comments about this article
I am shocked that some of the comments below have been in defence of fox hunting. It is barbaric cruelty, and people need to take the ban seriously.
Posted by anonymous @ 18/06/08 08:00:10
How could anybody enjoy, ripping a live fox into pieces? Only sick and sadists would enjoy that. Well it seems like england is full of them.
Agree with this: the type of self-serving, greedy, completely lacking in empathy, anti-social, murderous, blood thirsty, gun-loving, bullies of the countryside are generally complete and utter cowards and won’t dare lift a finger against something their own fucking size (you).
Posted by BeaB @ 18/06/08 05:44:00
How could anybody enjoy, ripping a live fox into pieces? Only sick and sadists would enjoy that. Well it seems like england is full of them.
Agree with this: the type of self-serving, greedy, completely lacking in empathy, anti-social, murderous, blood thirsty, gun-loving, bullies of the countryside are generally complete and utter cowards and won’t dare lift a finger against something their own fucking size (you).
Posted by BeaB @ 18/06/08 05:43:19
Good advice and very entertaining article!
Posted by anonymous @ 18/06/08 05:28:06
surely not right that this article is so indignant - particularly in comparison to the piece on white seperatists.
Posted by anonymous @ 14/06/08 03:27:31
\'who ever heard of bagging up a wounded fox and taking it home to heal just to do it again\'
ABSOLUTE FUCKING MORON ALERT!!!!!!!!
Posted by Seun @ 09/05/08 16:16:29
Carlos is a motha!
Posted by anonymous @ 09/05/08 10:17:30
who ever heard of bagging up a wounded fox and taking it home to heal just to do it again, utter rubbish, 1st dog usually kills it i\'m sure, have you never seen a small dog kill a rabbit.....
Posted by anonymous @ 08/05/08 16:39:02
MUS-TARD is the BWOY GENIUS!!! getting fucked up chicken, with a fox on the brain, eating nandos weight he will gain... he\'s the mother fucker that\'ll fuck your mother. YEAH BWOY!!!! what, what........ brrrrruuuuup!
Posted by anonymous @ 06/05/08 15:19:52
haha, whats going on here?
Posted by anonymous @ 02/05/08 17:51:22
haha, nice stirring. Lol @ the bono thing also.
lolololol
Posted by anonymous @ 02/05/08 11:43:26
FUCK FOXES AND FUCK \'THE CITIES\'
Posted by anonymous @ 01/05/08 14:54:28
I\'d just like to offer a little advice here, mainly if you\'re trying to troll an article on the internet AT LEAST WAIT A FEW MINUTES BEFORE REPEATEDLY POSTING HATE AND PRETENDING TO BE MORE THAN ONE PERSON.
The time and date of each post is recorded and posts 2 - 4 were very obviously written by the same complete spacker\'
Probably the same person who withdrew from submitting to the pro-hunting article at the last minute.
Posted by Seun @ 30/04/08 16:54:47
ha ha whats up with all the moaners on here, its a funny artical about sabotaging a fox hunt what the hell is wrong with that?? You lot need to sort your \"serious / conservative\" lives out... Liberal out a bit, go to \'dam, smoke some weed, dont kill foxes!!!
Nice Artical Mustard ignor the losers putting you down.
Posted by anonymous @ 30/04/08 16:40:51
No word regarding Thursday yet. Soup guise?
Posted by Seun @ 30/04/08 15:40:49
No word regarding Thursday yet. Soup guise?
Posted by Seun @ 30/04/08 15:16:12
Nandoes this week? Or is you vegetarian now? Some epic trolling here, must take my hat off to you. Will forward this to the ladz crew for backup.
Posted by anonymous @ 30/04/08 12:20:45
I\'m on the fence with this one. This does look like it was written in a few minutes and is pretty emotive but whats wrong with writing up an opinion piece, there is clearly a lot of sarcasm in this article and most statistics are made-up anyways, it doesn\'t pertain to be overly seriousl in any way I can see. The real info is in the title \'how to sabotage a hunt\' and as far as I know anyway the info given would indeed sabotage a hunt. It\'s a pity the conservatives on here don\'t think anybody should be allowed an opinion but thats the difference between new media and boring old media. There\'s a section here for anybody to add their own views but you all resorted to just bashing the writer instead of adding them. There is a lot of political stuff on here just most of it is so boring to read nobody bothers reading it or commenting. Good to see S back on the PC baiting but maybe a bit too far this time dude...
Posted by anonymous @ 30/04/08 12:18:44
successful troll is successful
Posted by anonymous @ 30/04/08 11:29:16
DOES IT OFFEND YOU, YEAH?
Posted by Seun @ 30/04/08 11:19:04
Facts are NOT interesting and are freely available on the internets for anyone that wants them. This is a satirical article for a non-political magazine, which was designed to create a reaction from reactionary idiots, seriously you guys are embarrassing.
Posted by anonymous @ 30/04/08 11:16:36
True, kids are so fucking conservative these days. It\'s actually called how to sab a fox hunt, of course it\'s not fucking balanced morons. There are some serious fucking idiots in this thread. The only information is the sab techniques which don\'t look \'inaccurate\' to me.
Posted by anonymous @ 30/04/08 10:49:44
wow, we actually print an article entitled \'HOW TO SABOTAGE A FOX HUNT\', written with an anonymous hunt \'sab\' from L.A.C.S and people are actually surprised that it\'s \'liberal\' not \'balanced\' enough.
You see that fox in the main image with its actual head blown off? Thats how much the geniuses in this comments section just actually blew my mind.
Posted by anonymous @ 30/04/08 10:21:07
Debate aside, that\'s an interesting proposition, anon. How much are you offering? It\'s enough for me to buy some new socks?
Posted by Richard Parker @ 30/04/08 10:01:20
\"These people don\'t live in the city\".... How very dare they!
And the idea that foxhunting is the preserve of the richest and most powerful people in the country is impossibly cliched and mis-informed.
I\'d be willing to wage a large sum of money that the average contributor to London-based scenester magazines comes from a far more pampered background than the average foxhunter.
Posted by anonymous @ 30/04/08 09:21:27
la la
Posted by anonymous @ 29/04/08 17:57:53
Quite apart from the fact that it is an ill-informed and a wholly mis-representative article, what is Don\'t Panic doing entering the political arena? This kind of rather idiotic journalism should be restricted to those who do it well ie The Mail, Sun and other mini sized rags.
Don\'t Panic is not the platform for political ranting of any hue.
I for one will be canceling......
Posted by anonymous @ 29/04/08 14:44:54
Don\'t ask us for a balanced standpoint on fox hunting. I\'m a vegetarian and James eats puppies. Alive. Whole. It\'s a sight to behold, but undeniably cruel.
Posted by Richard Parker @ 29/04/08 12:48:44
I like it. I don\'t agree with all of it, but what\'s wrong with just writing what you think once in a while? Why does everything have to be \'balanced\'? What third rate GNVQ writing course did you all learn that on?
I\'ve actually heard people criticize The New Scientist for publishing an article that talked about the big bang theory because it wasn\'t balanced enough with religious thinking. Jeez.
Posted by anonymous @ 29/04/08 12:41:09
what a great article - more how to\'s
Posted by Heydon Prowse @ 29/04/08 10:41:24
What an absolute load of c**p, shame that whoever wrote this has obvioulsy never been outside thier urban retreat. Facts are interesting, mindless story writing from a hater is boring.
Posted by anonymous @ 29/04/08 09:08:08
What an absolute load of c**p, shame that whoever wrote this has obvioulsy never been outside thier urban retreat. Facts are interesting, mindless story writing from a hater is boring.
Posted by anonymous @ 29/04/08 09:08:02
There are massive drawbacks to, say, torturing innocent animals, but this article is so badly written that it makes me want to spite it and put a lioness, a cheetah, a fox, a pidgeon and a rat in a cage and squirt HP sauce at them all. Sometimes you should just inform people to make their own decisions instead of risking sounding self-righteuos and ill informed yourself. Jeeves, get the horses ready.
Posted by anonymous @ 29/04/08 08:51:41
written without any balance, reinforcing stereotypes and full or inaccurate information. Why have Don\'t Panic published this? Liberal doesn\'t always equal cool
Posted by anonymous @ 29/04/08 03:49:43
killing shit is funny
Posted by anonymous @ 28/04/08 23:23:03
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