The Lover’s Guide app is set to hit smartphones at the end of the month and while we love retro, educational romps, here at Don’t Panic we thought it was about time to review the latest advances in sex technology, or the aptly named ‘teledildonics’. So here’s a teaser of some the newly developed gadgets and gizmos for long distance lovers and perhaps those into ‘D.I.Y’ as well. What’s most worrying about this technology though isn’t how creepy the men are in some of these photos, but rather it begs the question, how ready are we for technology to replace real intimacy? Judging by this list, very ready.
Sounding more like a drink than a sex toy, the Mojowijo is an add-on for the seemingly innocent Nintendo Wii remote control. Available this summer, the motions of one device are transformed into the vibrations in the other, allowing you to (as quoted from their website) ‘share the mojo’ with anyone, anywhere in the world. How very Austin Powers. After attaching the devices onto a Wii remote (Nintendo never wanted this) they’re then connected to Mojowijo software via Bluetooth on your computer using Motion2Vibration technology, then, the two devices send varying vibration signals to each other. The premise is that it can be done with someone in the same room, with someone over the internet or by yourself. However, while the Wiibrator add-on for women looks relatively like what you’d expect, the men’s one features a terrifying ‘claw’, so maybe go easy on this one.
Mojowijo, watch out for The Claw
Something a bit more PG for you, researchers from the University of Electro-Communications in Tokyo have invented a machine that will hopefully one day be used to create the sensation of French kissing with a somone faraway. Linking two rotating ‘tongues’ to a computer, one person puts the device in their mouth and starts to swirl their tongue over it. These movements are then transmitted to the other device which mimics the amorous rotations. Very romantic, but said ‘tongue’ actually resembles a short straw, and if you made out with straw tongue guy in real life, you’d probably be fairly disappointed. There are plans though to make this simulator mimic human breath and tongue moistness, but for now you can enjoy watching this steamy video of the device in action.
Unveiled last year Roxxxy is the sex robot that puts every blow-up doll out there to shame. Made by a company called True Companion, Roxxxy can chat with her ‘playmate’ (or rather owner) about subjects they are interested in, can respond depending on how she is touched and even snore, oh and she also has three 'inputs'/holes. Creepy right? The anatomically correct robot can move like a person but can’t walk or independently move its limbs. The dolls (which come with a laptop) are priced from around $4000 to $6000, so characteristics such as hair colour, race and breast size can all be customised and a pre-programmed personality means she can be sleepy, chatty or in the mood. Inventor and artificial intelligence engineer, Douglas Hines says, “she can’t vacuum, she can’t cook, but she can do almost anything else if you know what I mean” - spoken like a true sexist perv there. While the aim is to replicate the personality of a person, really, a robot can’t be a true substitute no matter how big her boobs are. But for those willing to experiment there is a male version called Rocky being developed now too.
Inventor Douglas Hines with babe-a-liscious Roxxxy
If you’ve always wanted the soundtrack of a soaring orchestra to compliment your sexy times then you’re in luck. Started by a former Apple employee, OhMiBod vibrators pulsate to the music on your iPod and interact wirelessly with the music’s rhythms. Just what you need while on the go apparently, as many of their products are marketed towards having vibratory fun in really appropriate places like at work, or jogging, you even have the ability to program your own unique vibration patterns. The good news is that some of their products don’t just sync with your iPod but can also connect to practically any electronic audio output source with a 3.5mm jack, so even your electric guitar could bring you joy. Well if that isn’t convenience, I don’t know what is.
OhMiBod, comes in a range of colours so you can match with your iPod- sweet!
Finally, designed just for men, RealTouch was apparently developed by a former Nasa engineer, so it must be pretty hi-tech. The gist is that the user will ‘interface’ their genitals into the device to experience a process called ‘relative motion’, due to two ribbed and rotating conveyor belts. While this seems fairly normal (ish), the device is also programmed to sync with the action in pornographic videos which are available specifically for use with the RealTouch, delicately named ‘Male Enhancement Videos’, allowing you ‘to interact with your favourite girls’ whenever you want. To add to that, this year they’ve released the ‘Real Experiences App’ which allows you to chat and connect with anyone across virtual environments again as with most sex gadgets playing on the idea of distance.