Dating sites are a booming business. They’ve sped up the business of finding a partner for a lot of people over the last few years, and their popularity is ever increasing. So in an attempt to take a peek into this growing obsession (and maybe to find a perfect partner of my own), I braved the murky backwaters of the dating site world in a fearless search for Mr Match.
I’m starting with uglybugball.co.uk
. It is a dating site for ugly people – or as the front page itself puts it, “the aesthetically challenged.” Setting up a profile here took about three minutes, and two minutes after that I’d received five page views and a wink from James, a 43 year old from Kent who is “looking for romance.” And yes, he is quite ugly. Seems to be going well so far!
Two days later, I’ve got 35 private messages and 38 winks at my profile – even though I don’t have a picture and I haven’t been able to fill in my details. (Ugly Bug is free, but you can’t do much more than state your name and wink at people without
paying the fee.) The only ways I’ve made myself appealing are a) stating that I’m only 23, as men prefer younger women and b) stating that I’m a chain smoker, since apparently, that’s hot. Somehow I don’t think that’s what’s attracting these guys, though.
The pattern’s repeated on vampersonals.com
, a dating site specifically for… well, vampires. This site is a goldmine, even if just for the information it throws up – did you know there are 200+ vampire ladies in Norfolk looking for love? 200+! That’s a lot of horny vampires just sitting around online right now. Hm.
Filling out a Vampersonals profile is slightly tougher than expected. They have a Tattoo and Piercings section to fill in. And a drop-down list to determine what “goth type” you are (I’m a GlamGoth. I didn’t actually know that GlamGoths existed, before now, but I am so glad that they do). They also have a section where you can make your preference for the race of your partner clear – which creeps me out a little but also makes me wonder, exactly how many Native American Goths are there? How does that even work?
Still, beyond the dodgy profile pictures and ‘inventive’ profile names (pagan_princess, anyone?) Vampersonals is, after all, a dating site. I still get hits, even though in my profile I profess to a drinking problem and state that I’m more into dressing up than having any actual investment in goth culture. I thought these guys took this shit seriously! Obviously not, though – they just want to wink at the model in my user-picture, really. All this “Find someone totally compatible!” crap doesn’t seem to hold true. It’s more like, just, “Find someone! Anyone! That one! Quick, before it’s too late!”
The pattern is the same across all my other dating sites. On ldspals.com
, a dating site for Mormons, I only have to mention my quest for a wholesome marriage partner to be swamped with hits. On sugardaddie.com
I just have to upload a stock photo of a woman in an evening dress and fill in my ideal partner’s body type as “no preference”, and I’m met with a ton of propositions in very little time. The market for diaperdating.com, a site for people who need (or just like) to wear diapers, is a little harder to tap into, but I get there. In a fit of desperation I even create a profile on blackdating.co.uk professing to ‘have ties’ with the BNP, but I still get messages from nice, normal guys looking for friendship and maybe more.
It’s been a little disheartening, over all. Obviously I’m not going to find the perfect guy on here. I’m just going to find guys. Tons and tons of them, stretching pages and pages back into the internet, and all of them looking for love. Or friendship and fun. Or both. Or anything they can get really, just please call one of them soon because they don’t have a lot of time left.