The relentless drudgery of being a drug addict is worse than the most mundane nine-to-five. Even collecting tolls on bridges. Consider the facts: every day you have a string of simply unmissable meetings with your dealer. The problem is dealers are not half as reliable as business clients. The flighty scoundrels, who prey on your weakness, are always on the move, dropping off the next bag of skag down another lane. As a result, your days are spent traipsing round town trying desperately to track down your man, warm up your turkey. To make matters worse, your legs are covered in weeping sores that makes walking (even with your mandatory crutches) sheer agony. And you can’t afford a mobile (yup, all your money went up in smack smoke) so you have to spend hours of each day crammed into telephone boxes with other B.O.-ridden users. Anyone got another 20p? Do you think Big Paul will accept a reverse charges call? All in all, it is a grim existence and I have not even got into the corrosive effect of constantly lying to everyone you love (except your Staffordshire) which comes hand-in-hand with serious addiction.
For those who have, like Tony Adams, hit rock bottom and want help, there is rehab. This is, obviously, a very good thing. But I am not convinced it entirely does the job. It might get you off the bad hard stuff but the danger with rehab is it often throws up frightening new dependencies. Like drinking 52 cups of green tea a day. Like going to NA meetings every other hour even if you are staying at friends in The Lake District. Like writing shit poems about your addiction hell.
However, it is not all bad news. I am writing this to let you know that the pain of drug addiction is, finally, over. Finished. At last, some clever cyber outfit have invented a completely safe way to get sky-scraper high which does not have any (known) side-effects, involves no needles and is 100% legal.
Introducing the ground-breaking I-Doser.com, home of “advanced binaural beats that will synchronise your brainwaves to the same state as the recreational dose”. Basically, I-Doser have cooked up little slices of music that blows your brains like drugs do. For anyone who has ever listened to a favourite song and felt that warm, “I like this track a lot” glow, quadruple that vibe and put a massive cherry on top.
Quite simply, I-Doser’s “auditory pulses” AKA digital drugs are the future of drugs. And as soon as I-Doser fully catches on (days not weeks) it will be high time for all Colombian cartels, Afghan poppy warlords and Baltimore corner boys to pack up their olde worlde wares and start selling headphones.
So you are never bored, I-Doser comes in a variety of highs – peyote, trip, gamma and orgasm (careful with this one!) – all of which are a heady combo of brain-jangling pulses fused with “soothing backtracks of ambient soundscapes to help the brain induce a state of mood lift, euphoria, sedation and hallucination.” Come on – not even the evil head doctors at Abu Ghraib or diehard Timothy Leary disciples can top that wicked offering.
As you can possibly tell, I am 100% converted. But I understand some of you out there might be a touch sceptical. Stop it now! Everyone knows sound can have a dramatic effect on the brain and body. Scientists claim certain Wagnerian flourishes radically alter your brain chemistry (and mood) in the same way as hard drugs. The CIA love to use top volume heavy metal to flush out baddies (sonic torture). And then there is the legendary and hotly–disputed ‘brown note’ immortalised by Cartman in South Park. For those unfamiliar with the phenomenon here is the wiki low-down: “The brown note is a theoretical infrasound frequency that would cause humans to lose control of their bowels due to resonance.” At half-time of England’s capitulation to Germany, I asked around if anyone had heard of, or experienced the brown note? Upstep my brother who swears blind he had to watch a John Legend concert in Sydney from the fire exit because “the brown note had me bent double.” Wait til I get him hooked on digital drugs.
Go to I-Doser.com to listen to some free samples and do make sure to check out the hilarious user’s experiences page. As a taster, here’s what ‘Chris’ made of ‘Marijuana’: “I was laying on my bed, listening and all of a sudden i got this HUGE wave of extreme euphoria and what felt like an orgasm on every part of my body, the wave started at my feet and made its way up to my head in about a second and it gave me a boner that only lasted like five seconds. Afterwards I stood up and felt kinda baked. Stuff seemed like it was breathing. All in all, a very fun experience. Tonight im trying opium.”