My name is Abi. I make music. Sometimes I talk to other people who also make music. But mostly I just talk about myself. Here is me meeting post-punk female rock band An Experiment on a Bird in the Air Pump.

So... An Experiment on a Bird in the Air Pump is the name of an 18th Century painting.  Sounds like the sort of art I used to make when I was 14. I used to hide in the music room at lunchtimes drawing pictures of cut-up animals and playing the piano because I didn’t have any friends. Did you ever use music to get away from terrible people?

D-Bird: Yeah I used to go to the back of the school hall to play the drums at lunchtimes. I wasn’t very happy at school, but once people found out I was musical when I was older it was a cool thing and suddenly I had friends because people wanted me to play in their bands. 

X-Bird: I got into good music quite late – when I was 18. The Strokes changed my outlook on music. It was a real escape for me because I hated my life and I hated my friends.

Yeah friends are awful. My song Ry is a Chav is about a terrible friend who keeps trying to get his penis out in my housemate’s bed. What do you think about labels like chav and goth? 

C-Bird: I think labelling stems from fashion. If you wear certain types of clothing then you will be categorised as a goth or a chav and I think the music follows. The fashion side of things just happens and when that look gets named, the music gets named too. 

People used to call me a goth because of the clothes I wore, but I was listening to R’n’B at the time. Now... C-Bird and X-Bird - you also play as a band called Eve Black/Eve White. And D-Bird – you are also known as Lady Himalya and run the Decasia club. Do you ever get jealous of each other’s separate ventures? I recently joined a band called The Duloks and when they receive more song plays than Abi Makes Music I get jealous.

X-Bird: Not at all – Eve Black/Eve White started out playing Decasia club and Dee managed us. We’re all helping each other.

Do you get jealous when friends from other bands get more song plays than you?

D-Bird: Um...a bit of...er...healthy keeping an eye on what’s going on is OK...but it’s probably an unsaid thing between bands...

Well just so you know: today you received 207 song plays and I received 1. 1 is nearly ZERO. Eve Black/Eve White received 1 too, which is also nearly zero. But then technically that’s 1 to add to the 207 to make 208, but there are 3 of you so if you divide… (Ed – Abi goes on for some duration with this point, and I don’t feel like checking all her sums, so presume continued similar) Once Abi Makes Music got 237 song plays so I did a print-screen and posted it on my page so that people would know I’m not always shit.

D-Bird: Oh, I see - that’s good...

I know. I was having a look at the list of bands that have graced the Decasia stage - with No Bra and Selfish Cunt it sounds like a typical night in front of X Tube. Once I was in Ghetto with my friend and Suzanne No Bra helped us convince someone that we had a dog tied up in a bag. Have you ever told ridiculous jokes that people have believed?

D-Bird: When I first moved to London I was hanging out with a few guys who never knew what I did for a living and one time they’d made a mess in their kitchen after a night out and I said, “I’ll tidy it up because by day I am a cleaner.” I convince them I cleaned schools around East London and they believed me for a really long time.

X-Bird: Someone at uni thought I was American.

Did you pretend to be?

X-Bird: No I was talking with this accent, but they thought it was fake.

What accent is it?

X-Bird: Er... British.

I told all my friends in my textiles class when I was 15 that I was a Jehovah’s Witness and that my mum had thrown away the pin cushion I made because it was too Christmassy. If you had one wish for Christmas and it had to be something terrible, what would you choose?

[Awkward silence]

I’ll start... I would wish to put some dog turd through Ry the Chav’s letterbox.

C-Bird: I just want Santa to forget about all the good kids and just remember one name: C-BIRD.

X-Bird: Um... I’m not that evil to be honest.

D-Bird: The entrance to my flat is round the back of a car park and there’s always a teenage girl at the bottom of the stairs wanking her boyfriend off. So basically I hope that the girl's hand freezes over his dick in the cold weather.

Yeah that last one will do.

An Experiment on a Bird in the Air Pump's EP These Sins is out now. See more here