Since we work so hard over at Styleslut, we thought it might be time for us to take a well deserved holiday.  We hear so many people harp on about all the ‘Superclubs’ in Ibiza, that we decided it was time to experience them ourselves.  There’s this one club called ‘Space’ which is near an airport and doesn’t have a roof - which means all the lucky ravers can see the planes flying over the club.  Apparently, there’s an unspoken set of rules that must be followed in Space and pretty much all the clubs in Ibiza. 

Rule No.1: Watch out for pre-op transsexuals.  You may not be aware of this, but there is a staggeringly large amount of chicks with dicks in Ibiza.  They not only look like real chicks, but they also look like real chicks that you’d take back to your hotel room and kiss all up on their necks only to find a large erect penis jabbing you in your ribs.  Not that that shit happened to us, or anything. 

Rule No.2: Leave your black friends at home.  We love black people, but unfortunately, Ibiza-ites don’t.  The one black dude in our crew was asked if he was selling drugs too many times to remember and the locals seemed quite comfortable with calling him ‘nigger’.  It’s a shame, because Jermaine didn’t even bring half of his stash with him, so he didn’t make anything close to what he could have out there.  Better luck next time, dude. 

Rule No. 3: Pick your fights carefully.  Ibiza-ites roll in packs, so don’t be all gullible and think you can knock out that skinny dude with the glasses who just spilled your cocktail, without a landslide of spicks body-slamming your ass like a million Hulk–Hogans. 

Rule No. 4: Speedos are a no-no.  Ok, so you’re thousands of miles away from home, who’s gonna see you shaking your ass in your Speedos looking like some kind of uber-homo Elton John?  Everybody, that’s who!  Cameraphones and Myspace mean your skinny, no-rhythm having ass will be all over the web quicker than you can say ‘Please be gentle with me Senor, I’ve never done this before’. 

Words: Donald Crunk

Pic: Vctotria 

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