Chikan (ç—´æ¼¢, ãƒ?カン, or ã?¡ã?‹ã‚“) is a Japanese term referring to an obscene act conducted against the victim's will, or a person who commits such an act. The term is frequently used to describe men who take advantage of the crowded conditions on the public transit systems to touch people sexually. The neologism referring to the corresponding female chikan is chijo. As part of the effort to combat chikan, some railway companies in Japan have designated women-only passenger carriages. Here, Joseph Mackertich illustrates beautifully the reasons why it might soon be necessary to start considering similar action on the British Transport System… Fatties, look out.

If you're going to do it, don't mess it up like a loser. If you half-ass it
and don't commit fully, you'll fail. That's the only rule. Actually that was a lie, there are lots of rules. Let me try to think of some more.

Here's one: don't even bother going after a girl who's standing there with a guy. When I started eight years ago I made that mistake. What was I thinking? Actually I know what I was thinking and I'll tell you. I was thinking '…that ugly girl has a nice arse - I will touch it.' The boyfriend hit me hard on the shoulder. I was taller than him.

I've started at the wrong place. I should have started by telling you you're not better than me. You don't know anything about touching girls on trains. Oh no! It's so wrong! It's such an invasion of personal space! Let me tell you why YOU don't touch girls on trains - you're too scared. If you are honest in your mind you will agree. Every day you climb onto the train and every day you stare at some twenty-two year old standing next to you. Grope her, you pussy!

Another rule for you: leave the too-attractive girl or the girl with
expensive shoes. You are wasting your time. They will not understand your passion. Besides, there is no room. You are squashed. It is summer and armpits are rank. Who cares about a pretty girl? It is simply not my business.

Instead you should find a larger girl who shows some leg. In a perfect world her face is shapeless and unremarkable. Her clothes show that she is not arrogant, but at the same time they are not too modest. She is short. She stares at the floor when you press on her leg as a test. Oh, let me tell you about the test.

The test is an important part of any train groper's adventure. Let's say you find a girl in your carriage. She is like an egg, but has shapely breasts on display. But not so fast with sweaty hands! This is when we have to test. Wait for the train to turn, and then fall in, palms first. If you want to test again, try with the penis at her crotch or bottom. No reaction? The test is a success.

Chikan, or train groping, is most popular on Tokyo's busiest line, the Yamanote. Rush hours can be so packed that station staff must push passengers onto the carriage with sticks. There is no space. There is even no room to grope. The best you can hope for is to be surrounded by schoolgirls who will put up with a kind of constant pelvic attack.

If you are lucky enough to have perfect groping conditions (a not-too-crowded carriage and a blind and mute girl) then let yourself go! There is nothing wrong with squeezing girls on the leg or smelling their hair with your whole face. Go crazy. Spit into her eyes and imagine it is your ejaculation. Wow, I am excited just talking about this stuff.

I am sure there are one or two people reading this and saying I am a pervert. I don't think my message will ever reach these people. They are stuck in the past. Every journey for me is an adventure. Every time I travel to work I am involved in romantic adventures. Please, join me.