Epic love triangle drama involving astronauts, NASA nappies, a 900 mile, high speed car journey and one big old bitch fight… How could this NOT be a great, great story?

From what I can make out, this love/hate-fest began with United States Naval Officer and former NASA astronaut, Lisa Nowak becoming involved in a relationship with fellow astronaut, William Oefelein, which she described as being "more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship." Interesting. Anyway, something went wrong two years down the line (maybe because she was married), and William started being boyfriend and girlfriend with US Air Force Captain Colleen Shipman. Lisa had been dumped in the face like BLAM.

Lisa was allegedly described by fellow astronauts and crewmates as being generally "prickly," "contentious," and "not a team player", however, in the days before 5th February, she was described as "cheerful" and "bustling." Something was obviously about to go down. What exactly was the shifty little minx plotting…?

This is what:

On 5th February 2007, Lisa was arrested in Orlando, Florida, on charges of attempted kidnapping, battery, attempted vehicle burglary with battery and destruction of evidence. During a search of her car, parked at a motel, the police found four brown paper towels, 69 unidentified orange pills, latex gloves, pepper spray, nappies (all will become clear), and a letter written by Lisa which they said "indicated how much Mrs. Nowak loved Mr. Oefelein".

It seems Lisa, being none too happy about her romantic circumstances, had decided she didn’t have to take this shit, so packed some essentials (see above) and jumped in the car to make the 900 mile drive from her yard in Houston, Texas to Orlando, in hot pursuit of that biatch Colleen. If you still don’t understand what the nappies were for, then you’ve obviously never been scorned. When the wrath is in you, there’s just no time to stop for a wazz. Lisa was no fool, she knew about NASA nappies (specially designed for U.S. shuttle astronauts), quickly calculated how much time they could save her, and nappied-up - ANYTHING to get to Orlando and do some kidnapping and battery ASAP! Whooop!

A surveillance video from the Orlando International Airport terminal suggests that Lisa Nowak stood by the baggage claim and waited for Colleen Shipman’s flight to arrive for nearly an hour. Orlando Police officials think Lisa then donned a hooded tan trench coat and a black wig and, armed with a BB gun, an eight-inch Gerber folding knife, a 2-pound drilling hammer, black gloves, rubber tubing, plastic garbage bags and about US$585.00 in cash, proceeded to follow Colleen after she retrieved her bags. Allegedly, as Colleen was getting into her car, she heard running steps and quickly locked the door. A woman, later identified as Lisa Nowak, slapped the window and tried to open the car door, asking for a ride, then started crying (this one always works). Colleen rolled down the window a couple of inches after which Lisa allegedly sprayed pepper spray into the car. Colleen then drove off to the parking lot booth where police were summoned.

I do think that if she was going to go to all the trouble of driving that far, Lisa could have tried a bit harder to get her. But it’s probably quite hard to get a good solid pepper spray / face hit through a small gap, what with all the rage and excitement and sweaty palms and all that. Nice try. And more fool you, Colleen, you’ll know better than to steal someone’s man next time, won’t you?