But wait. There is more. We’ve scoured the seedy world of sexual fetishes to bring you some little-known weird and not-so-wonderful acts that people out there are really into. Try them out at home (or not)!
You might have heard of arachnophobia, the fear of spiders – well, guess what, you can also have arachnephilia, the state of being sexually aroused by the creepy crawlies. Whether it’s the feel of their eight horrible little legs scurrying over your body (also known as formicophilia), or the potential thrill of having web er, shot all over you, this is one for arachnid-lovers everywhere.
Human Furniture (Forniphilia)
An erotic interest that’s perfect for those who want to combine their love of sex with their love of interior design, forniphilia is the act of positioning a person as a piece of furniture (table/chair etc). Technically a form of bondage, the subject (or ‘submissive’) is often gagged, and has to hold their position as a sexy chair/table and so on for long periods of time. It's different, sexy and a great way to incorporate some unique new furniture into your home – a naked man-table is guaranteed to be the talking point at future dinner parties.
Anal Autoerotic Gratification
In street language, this is known as ‘getting your rocks off by putting things up your arse’. Though the norm is with toys like vibrators and buttplugs, there are those who have ventured into more exotic waters. Take our favourite case study (pictured), a 35-year-old man who ingested no fewer than seven Barbie heads, because, you know, that’s "his thing". In the past, other peculiar items have included a saltshaker, an enema/concrete mix and a live fish.
Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the circus (having finally outgrown your childhood fear of clowns), you have to deal with the strange man next to you getting inappropriately excited by the pie-throwing act. C’est la vie. Whether you raid your nearest Greggs or give your night the personal touch by making your own pies, this fetish guarantees hours of edible fun. We recommend keeping some carpet cleaner on standby to clean up any mess after – laying down newspaper first probably won't get your lover's motor racing.
Now, I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold-digger, but there are some people out there who are really, really turned on by gold and/or wealth and status. Not much else is known about the condition, but if you know someone who has compulsively insisted on viewing every Olympics medal ceremony this year, you might be in luck.
Hannibal Lector, eat your heart out – or someone else’s, as this sexual fetish comes from the idea of eating, or being eaten by, another person or animal. Hideously impractical to carry out in real life (and probably not too great for your waistband either), people into vorarephilia generally get their jollies from staged media like pictures and videos – though there are those who have acted out their cannibalistic fantasies in real life. One of the most famous cases happened in Germany in 2001, when Armin Meiwes (also known as ‘The Master Butcher’) found willing body Bernd Jürgen Brandes on the Internet. First eating the severed penis (sharing it with his victim, to be polite), Meiwes then killed Brandes and ate the majority of his body.
Forget whips, chains or even doing it with the lights on: if you want to really walk on the wild side, you need to get down your nearest costume shop and get yourself a novelty chicken outfit. The furry subculture is interested in fictional cartoon animals with the characteristics of humans, and has given rise to a smaller percentage of people who get their kicks dressing up and having sex as said animals. The great thing about this fetish is the scope for variation – today bumblebee, tomorrow badger, the possibilities are endless!
One fetish well and truly crossing the line between ‘kinky’ and ‘really kinky’ (and going for the gold medal in ‘depraved, fucked-up shit’), ederacinism is the sexual desire to tear out your genitals by the roots. Horrifying, painful and very, very messy, there’s also the drawback of only being able to do this sex act once. We recommend saving it for a rainy day, or a special anniversary.