Steroid Monsters vs. Meth-heads


Written by Sidney Drake
14 Wednesday 14th July 2010

Exploring the depths of drug addiction so you don’t have to, we bring you the latest instalment of our comparative substances series: Steroid Monsters vs. Meth-heads.  

Traditionally meth has had some bad press, it’s a Class A controlled substance, making it illegal to possess, use or supply. Steroids on the other hand have a mere Class C rating for their comparable addictive nature. In the light of the revelation that Raoul Moat, murderer, bodybuilder, and violent former bouncer was so full of steroids it’s surprising he didn’t blow a gasket sooner, we sent our own scientific analysts to re-investigate…



Effects on Behaviour and Criminal Activities
Moat was obsessed with steroids for years. They not only ruined what we presume must have been a fine former physique, but turned the bouncer into a paranoid, jealous bully, prone to violent fits of rage and unparallel hate.
That’s not to say Moat wasn’t an angry man before hitting the gym and pumping his body with Newcastle’s finest anabolics, but steroids are proved to increase aggression, the potential for violent outbursts, and in extreme cases cause mania or hypermania.
Your average bouncer uses steroids to manipulate and control, through an artificial position of power. It’s probably because his daddy didn’t love him, or because his girlfriend ran off with a con artist who’s clever enough to run identity fraud operations from his basement. The steroid-addled bouncer is too thick to understand the delicate intricacies of fiddling the upper classes with faked satellite companies and unsupported investment scams. He’d rather stick to intimidating former schoolmates. He’s the kid you used to stick in goal, and who seeks his revenge through jabbing needle’s into his own ass and over-inflating his own ego.
Tweakers undertake a far more sophisticated level of criminal activity, intense psychosis induced paranoia ensuring that they never fall foul of the law. After setting up a meth-lab in your basement, you may find yourself believing the house is bugged, causing you to write coded notes to your mates about illicit activities, then taking time to say things that will exculpate you in the eyes of the law: “so, it's a damn good thing we no longer are involved with methamphetamine manufacture or sales mate…" or something similar. When things get really bad you’ll probably cover your back by spending £1400 on a 1200Mhz scanner, modifying it to pick up blocked frequencies, scanning constantly to pick up fragmented voices. When the batteries go dead you’ll assume your scanner has been hacked and take apart every piece of electrical equipment you own to check for bugs. Eventually you’ll employ a team of security specialists to completely seal the house and sit and wait shotgun in hand for the DEA to close in.
Effects on Appearance:
Whilst steroids help users build up muscle and loose body fat, resulting in the traditional ‘athletic’ physique, meth use leaves users looking gaunt and ghostly. Forgot getting those back teeth removed, wannabe supermodels can easily achieve the high-cheekboned look of perfection just by hitting the meth. In addition it helps users loose weight, minus all the sweating and increased metabolism of steroid use.
That’s not to say that steroid users don’t pay meticulous attention to their appearance: armpit shaving and waxing are all part of the bodybuilder’s beauty regime. A spot of communal arse injecting is a perfectly dignified way to round off a workout with your mates.



Effects on sex life:
For those who still think steroids might pip crystal meth to the post of most desirable addiction, should perhaps take note of the sexual effects of both drugs.
Meth is going all night, red raw, Raging Speedhorn, a hedonistic gush to the sound of heavy riffs and an eponymous soundtrack. Comparatively roid rage occurs when a roid monster realises their balls have shrunk into non-existence and there’s really not much point them owning a dick as it’s usage has all but disappeared. Unable raise a stir, they fly into a fit of rage as they realise that their package now packs the punch of a clapped out Nissan micra. To add insult to injury, the roid rage only intensifies as the human body attempts to counteract the effect of excessive testosterone and produces two perfectly formed bitch tits. The humiliating transformation is complete, and the hideous beast arises: a gigantic stature, deformed in every aspect, more hideous than belonging to humanity, a wretchful Frankenstinean monster - or Meatloaf.
Effects on work:
Whilst this monster cowers along river sides and terrifies villagers, the meth head is busy getting things done. So what if it’s 3am and your busy cleaning the kitchen floor with your toothbrush, it was fucking dirty and jobs need to be done. Plus you don’t have any use of dental equipment since all your teeth fell out. Before your average roid head has roused himself out of his drunken stupor you’ve already de-weeded the garden and ronsealed the shed. Who said drug users were wasters? You could have the whole house re-painted by midday if the hits keep coming.

So, choose steroids and you may turn into an angry, impotent, deformed creature. Yes you’ll be ripped but you definitely won’t get laid. Choose crystal meth and you’ll be breaking bad in home counties, making millions from increased productivity and an untiring lust. If that sounds like fun to you grab


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  • Guest: webon.compulol
    Sun 21 - Nov - 2010, 06:24
    lol stupid prev comments... even moar lulz1
  • Guest: dubb_star
    Fri 16 - Jul - 2010, 14:14
    Whoever wrote this article, must be a severly troubled individual. They seem to possess some kind of strange, unfounded, deep hatred for bodybuilders and people who use anabolic steroids. Why brand people who are involved in something you clearly know absolutely nothing about, and come to completely ignorant conclusions that are a million miles from the truth. The are many nice, pleasant, intellegent individuals who use steroids to help acheive the physique of their dreams, and to aid recovery in a strenuous excercise regime. I myself am in the middle of a rather large steroid cycle at the moment, I am University educated, work in a fast paced and dynamic job, and have a loving relationship with my fionce. The writer of this article has simply joined the crowd of modern idiots who favor complete ignorance over education and knowledge. Well done!!
  • Guest: bush_ss
    Wed 14 - Jul - 2010, 14:56
    What a load of crap! Haha.