Last Saturday, it became legal to publish the photos of K-Stew’s steamy affair for the first time. After Gawker was forced to animate the encounter, The Daily Mail also featured the story at last, complete with gripping colon-style captions such as ‘Touchy-feely: Sanders takes a grip of Stewart as she leans against a wall while they check out the view’,‘Affectionate: The pair engage in a playful tussle with a smitten Sanders unable to keep his hands off her’,‘Embrace: In another intimate shot, Kristen and Rupert share a lingering hug’ – and the classic, ‘Hardly a fairytale: Sanders is married with two children... but couldn't resist getting his fangs stuck in to the Twilight’. 

I tweeted all of those captions at once.

However, it wasn't enough for my undying libido. Since the scene looked so steamy and intense, and made me vibrate a bit, I admit (for real – I'm not being ironic) that I went for a jog in Dalston and reached for the first dark-haired single chick I saw. Unfortunately, she tried to ignore me, and eventually ran away. Luckily, later on I managed to convince her recreate K-Stew’s photos with me, both on a bridge and in a car (we had to rent a £10 minicab). 

The girl was Spanish, and remembered she had a boyfriend back home that might not approve – but then, so did I. She gave me consent to publish the photos, but only after I promised her that it’s a serious “art thing”, and that mimicking the Daily Mail is the highest form of cubism of this era blah blah blah. 

To be honest, it was pretty sexy; I nearly came while taking the photos (even though I'm asexual). The shot where we bum each other at 45 degrees on the ledge was awk, but overwhelming at the same time. I then sent the jpgs to my lifelong partner, who declined to comment (and hasn’t spoken to me ever since). No biggie.

All in all, I wish K well, and can't wait to meet her when she arrives in the UK for her On The Road premiere next week. Kristen – if you're thinking of not coming because you're hiding at your parents’ house in Woodland Hills, California, please do, you need to come out of hiding. I'd love to walk down the red carpet with you wearing sweatpants, a singlet and a baseball cap. Don't listen to people like philanthropist Will Ferrell, who mocked your previous relationship.

You did the right thing by betraying an obnox douche like Robert Pattinson with an experienced filmmaker. I can be your RFL (Rebound For Life). We could even go out with Liberty Ross (Sanders' wife), who lives in London. You should become friends – she and I tweeted each other extensively before she had to close her account due to this incident. One of her last tweets was, “Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together” – and I think that’s a sentiment you could really take to heart right now.

*(Loser summit?) On Thursday it was published that Pattinson would like to meet Liberty Ross in London and discuss the affair. Forget him!

See all photos compared to originals here.

Created by By Rafaela Goes (@RafaelaGoes) and Nimrod Kamer (@nnimrodd).