It’s a long-standing myth that looking good all about living healthily. Wheatgrass, celery, bran – so far, so bleh. If you fancy being a bit naughty with your beauty regime, simply jump on a plane to Ethiopia, where you can get a luxurious 45 minute head-to-toe butter massage. Mmm. And then the fun really starts girls! Afterwards, you’ll be wrapped in a blanket, have plastic bags put on your hands and feet and given a blob of butter to grease up your ladybits with – lastly, you’ll be seated on a bench over a small smoking fire (legs apart, of course) and left to er, melt. With your skin softened, and nether regions ‘purified’, you’ll never look at Lurpak in the same way again.
Snake Venom Serum
Thrilled by the idea of using toxic substances to get the perfect skin you’ve always wanted, but too scared to try Botox? Snake venom serum might just be the product for you. British brand Rodial have brought out a serum that promises smoother, younger-looking skin – by replicating the venom of the deadly Temple Viper snake. Katie Holmes and Gwyneth Paltrow are said to be fans – for a mere £127 a pop, you could be one too!
Sheep Placenta Skincare
Because there’s no better way to combat the signs of aging than by slathering your face with extract of sheep placenta. Said to trigger the regeneration of skin cells, the NeuCell skincare range utilises the specialised sheep cells, which contain proteins compatible with that of humans. Victoria Beckham allegedly uses it, so it must work.
Bee Venom Therapy
While this sounds like most people’s idea of a living nightmare, bee venom therapy (also known as apitherapy) is a practice alive and well in the beauty world today. The idea is to administer live bees to pressure points on the body, with the sting acting as a form of acupuncture, and the venom boosting overall health, as well as relieving symptoms of conditions like PMS and Tennis Elbow.And don’t worry if you feel any sense of discomfort or searing pain during the treatment – the more adverse the reaction, the faster the treatment will work! If that’s just not enough bee for your bonnet, why not purchase some bee venom beauty creams to keep you going till your next treatment? The Duchess of Cornwall is said to swear by them.
Nowadays, most of us are working too much and partying too hard – and that takes a serious toll on your appearance, whether it’s dark bags, dull skin or lifeless hair (gross). Why not take a trip to Gran Canaria’s Corallium Spa, where you can take some much-needed me time in the Womb Room. Filled with pink carpets and blood-coloured waterbeds, the room rotates slowly “to simulate a giant umbilical cord”, and noises are filtered in to recreate the sounds heard inside the uterus. After all, no one is more relaxed (or has younger-looking skin) than an unborn foetus.
Bird Poo Facial
Also called ‘The Geisha Special’, this is a time-honoured treatment that is used to remove makeup and leave you feeling like a million dollars. Salon experts apply nightingale droppings to the skin in a 90-minute procedure, which works like magic on dull and UV-damaged skin. We’re told that the excrement is thoroughly purified beforehand. So, you know, it’s okay.
If you’re bored with more traditional massage techniques like Hot Stone or Swedish, look no further than your back garden for the solution. Sit back, relax and let the snails (professionals, of course) ever-so-slowly slime their way all over your face and chest – the secretion left will eliminate dead cells and regenerate skin cells. Eco-friendly and 100% natural, by employing specially-trained invertebrates this method also helps to boost the economy.
Bull Sperm Hair Treatment
For the ultimate care for your hair, put some cow back into your conditioner – the Hari salon in Knightsbridge offers the ultimate shine treatment, by massaging a mixture of organically-produced bull semen and katera into the hair after it has been shampooed. Win for you, win for the bull – and you don’t even need to buy him dinner first.
Instant Noodle Bath
Ever wondered what it must be like to be a Pot Noodle? Noticing a gaping hole for noodle-based beauty treatments, Japan’s spa theme park Hakone Kowakien Yunessun opened a – what else? – noodle-themed bath for its visitors. The idea is to sit back, relax and cook your way to beautiful, hydrated skin in a bubbling tub of hot, pepper-flavoured water, along with synthetic noodles made of special additives.
With the current vampire craze still going strong, it’s not surprising that the beauty world would invent new a way to keep up with the trend. Dubbed ‘The Vampire Facial’, the idea behind this procedure is simple: draw blood from the arm, and inject it directly into the face, encouraging tissue growth under the skin (which is obviously how real vampires keep their youthful looks). A big hit in the US, the facial is only £400 a go. It isn’t disgusting if it’s your own blood, right? Edward would totally dig it.