APPARENTLY IT IS RAINING

Apparently It Is Raining
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APPARENTLY IT IS RAINING



Written by Liam Jefferies
24 Saturday 24th August 2013

As ever when it rains in Blighty, the same old cries echo through the social media: "Why has God foresaken us?" "Why didn't we listen to Al Gore?" "Where the fuck are the sandbags from last year?!" 

Before it all gets a bit silly we have compiled all the advice you need to not go the way of the Unicorn.

To start with, if you live at the bottom of a hill, you're probably already too busy trying to evolve and sprout gills a'la Kevin Costner in Waterworld to be reading this, God speed. For the rest of you, much as in basketball, when it comes to staying dry/alive in flooding, height is key. So some modification to the homestead may be required, here are some inspirational rooftop houses to get you going:

 

In terms of provisions, designer and all-round saviour Chris Godfrey has brought the Medieval splendour of the 12 course meal to the average schmoe, by condensing it in canned form. The pre-sealed smörgåsbord contains:

A selection of local cheeses with sourdough bread

Pickled Kobe beef with charred strawberry

Ricotta ravioli with a soft egg yolk

Shitake mushroom topped with filled peppers

Halibut poached in truffle butter in a coconut crepe

Risotto foraged ramps, prosciutto and fresh parmesan

French onion soup with fresh thyme and gruyere cheese

Roast pork belly and celeriac root puree

Palate cleanser, pear ginger juice

Rib eye steak with grilled mustard greens

Crack pie with milk ice cream on a vanilla tuile

French canele with a malt barley and hazelnut latte

It beats eating uncle Pete, years of smoking and John Smith's Bitter have left him chewy and rather unpalatable. 

 

Additional tools which may come in useful are this watch from Breitling which can emit an emergency dual-frequency locator beacon when the wearer is in distress:

and this pen, by gun manufacturers Smith & Wesson, which can be used to light fires. 

If you don't already have all these things, or cannot afford to buy them and have them delivered via helicopter to your rooftop home, then you deserve your watery fate. If you have, then you are most welcome to join me and the rest of the preppers on our floating improvised island home, our next mooring will be in what was once Cambridgeshire.

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