In 1998 I started to suffer anxiety attacks when out shopping which had unpleasant side effects. These became more frequent and the effects worsened, eventually turning into full-blown panic attacks. I stopped going into places that triggered the bad feelings.

Looking back I can now see this was the worst thing I could do as more and more places were becoming no go areas. My ‘safe world’ was becoming smaller and often I would be in the safety bubble of my car, while the children were inside shops doing the things I as the adult should have been doing.

By then I was withdrawing more and more to avoid the panic attacks and so was staying at home and only going out in the back garden until even that was impossible due to neighbour problems. So I hid within the four walls of my home. At last I felt I would feel secure and safe by avoiding going out at all. It became my safe haven. It was a way of avoiding the panic attacks although these would still occur if I had unexpected callers. I dealt with this by jumping behind the settee so I couldn’t be seen. I would have the Venetian blinds slanted to nearly closed and had mirrors or pictures set up in positions so I could see reflections of people coming through gate and sit in one chair in order to use my safety devises.

When my three little dogs needed to go out into the garden I would go to the side door, open it ajar, hiding behind it just in case the neighbour was out, and they could then do their jobs in the front garden where they were safe from getting out. One day, however, the postman had left the front gate open and after some time the dogs decided they needed to go out. I tried to distract the dogs, but one was getting desperate. He was whimpering. I was crying. I’d wondered if I could get to the gate on hands and knees but just couldn’t get myself through the door so, in complete desperation, I had to ring my son, who was at college 20 miles away. He came home, leaving his lessons just to shut the gate. This all added to feelings of inadequacy .

This strategy was my way of life for nearly four years until I realised my safe haven was now becoming my prison. I was frustrated that I couldn’t do things with my children like other mums. Being a single parent highlighted this all the more and my son who isn’t quite three years older than my daughter had to attend her parent’s evenings and friends attended his for me. Eventually I was lucky enough to receive Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and Hypnotherapy. Within four sessions I was out and about again. I was no longer that prisoner.

For more information visit my website www.agoraphobia-support.co.uk