Traveling can be an uncomfortable experience at the best of times. Sleeping in dodgy hostels or filthy B&Bs, hours in cramped vehicles and eating badly. Add to these woes the need to contend with the bizarre local dialects every time you want to buy a sandwich and you've got a recipe for a hysterical screaming fit. Avoid psychotic episodes while out on the open road - read this carefully researched Don't Panic guide to slang from several popular UK regional destinations. We got some locals to tell us a story. And then tell us again... properly.

Cornish
Origh me lovver, owaree pard? Wasson up London? Awight n aree? I’m rufazrats! Out last night with me maid and me good pard. Nearly got in trouble with the hoffizers for bein too drunk. I zed "Fercrisaeik, ellydoinov?" And me pard was like "Mygar, Tizzardlee on!" He wanted my name and address by I just said ‘Cain tele!’ He wants t’search my mate and I’m like "Gusson ,he’s got nawthun widden!" Me maid zed "cumuz on now" and I zed "ezyaw!" He shouts "Ullon Yaw!" but we ran off! Speak to you dreckly, proper job! Cheers an gone.

English
Hello my lover. How are you, friend? What’s happening in London? Are you alright? I’m feeling rather ill. Myself, my girlfriend and good friend of mine were at the local public house last night. I had an encounter with a police officer who seemed to believe I was overly intoxicated. I said "For christ’s sake, what are you trying to do?" My friend interjected, saying "My god, you can’t be serious!" He asked for my details but I simply responded to his questions with the words "I can’t tell you." He then turned his attentions to my companion, attempting to search him. "Get on your way! He’s not carrying anything illegal!" I protested. At this point my girlfriend suggested that we leave. I told her that I agreed with her assessment. The officer called for us to stop but we fled the scene regardless. I’ll speak to you soon, good one! Goodbye.

Yorkshire
Ey up toneet goan t'Brat-fud t'ave us-en a reet grand time, t'pub dahn ginnel to sup up n 'av a chunter abaht owt o' nowt. Put t'wood in'th oyle an' doff us coats. Ecky thump it's a reet racket wi' people larking abaht chelping loudly an' 'avin' a reet smashin time. Fowk gettin' cack-handed an' a fair few daft apeths gettin clarted up leavin' bar staff they-er to fettle away afterum. Sumud allus tek it too far mebbe o-er a bonny lass o' brass an' sumud start tekkin it ahtside. If some buggerlugs'd stick 'is oar in he'd get a knuckle-sandwich reet in't cake-oyle (but to nivver go f't' knackers!) brekkin his giglamps so he'd leg it like a gallopin' 'airpin. Black as'th face o' spades they'd be after, a reet mucky mess. They're allus puddled they are. Well bah gum ah'll go t'foot of ah stairs, ah'm jiggered. Ee my giddy aunt it's nobbut a reet champion neet.

English
This evening my friends and I are going to Bradford with some friends and planning to have a good night out. There's a nice pub where we'll have a drink and a conversation about this and that. We take off our coats and are sure to close the door firmly after us. Golly gosh, it's rather noisy with everyone talking loudly and seeming in good spirits. Some people are losing their fine motor skills as a result of their inebriation and the resultant spilt drinks are mopped up by the bar staff. There'll always be some people who become confrontational, maybe over a pretty young woman or financial matters. If someone tries to diffuse the argument it is likely that they will be punched in the face (never the groin however) and will likely have their glasses broken, causing them to retreat from the fray. This fracas could be quite messy, and it's likely that their clothes will be soiled. Being rather tired, I shall now retire. I have had a grand old time though.

London
These boys moved in to the area, these Asian boys. We didn't like them, not 'cos they were Asian, but because they were dick'eads. Every time we were on road, we'd jam on the corner. But all of a sudden they thought that was their corner. We were like, "we've been 'ere since before you moved in so suck out." We surrounded 'em a couple times and they threatened to bore us up and we were like, "yeah, whatever." So one night yeah, we thought, "fuck it, let's egg 'em up." I 'ad to get a mask 'cos they only lived four doors down.
So we all got tooled up wiv eggs and flour, went to their house and just started lickin' up their win-ders. So they all come out chasin' us and we all started duckin out. I 'ad to run past my dad who was out washin' his cab, he didn't even clock it was me 'cos I 'ad the mask on. So we end up on some next estate and we was all laughin' thinkin' we'd lost 'em. Next fing you know, they all come into the estate on peds wiv bats and fucking poles and shit. Someone started sayin' that one of 'em had an axe, so we was like, "fuck it" an' we all started splurtin' and ended up in Cannin' Town.
We kept runnin' and ended up in Custom 'ouse station. So we're sittin' up on the elevated platform all congratulatin' ourselves and shit but 'cos we we're such cunts we didn't realise that we were all lit up and they could fuckin' spot us a mile off.
So they all come up to the platform an' everyone just started splurtin' everywhere but they'd blocked the fuckin' exits off. So some off our group jus' slyly got on one of the DLR trains but a few of us were like, "fuck it, lets run down the tracks." So like five of us jumped down on the tracks and we had to blurt 'cos it was only like five minutes before the next train come. It was fucked up 'cos it was all gravel and there was the fuckin' live rail right there, but we bombed it down the track while some of the others were still on the platform gettin' headed off.
So we got to the next sation and there was some guy there like readin' a paper. He was like: "Oi! You can't do that!" so my bredrin jus' lamped him through the newspaper. It was fuckin' jokes. So anyway, I ended up runnin' out and saw a mate of mine in his motor who gave me a lift 'ome. I got in the drum and I could still see the Asian breahs outside. Man didn't leave his yard for two days. Next day one of my bredrins that had stayed on the platform said that they got 'im and put 'im in the boot of a car. He kept goin' on about how they had a shooter but he was blatantly bullshittin'. That boy had a proper rep for chattin' wet.

English

Some young men from the Asian subcontinent relocated to our neighbourhood. We weren't fond of them but our dislike was not racially motivated. An argument arose concerning a patch of territory. They erroneously claimed this patch as their own. We confronted them and were threatened with a stabbing. We were not phased. One night we decided to exact our revenge by vandalising their home with eggs. I was forced to perform the act incognito as I was currently living close by.
We armed ourselves with flour and eggs and began the attack. They emerged and began to give chase. I ran past my father who was performing maintenance procedures on his taxi car. He didn't recognise me thanks to my disguise. We arrived at a council owned housing estate where we took some time to congratulate ourselves on our escape. Suddenly, the group of boys entered the housing estate upon mopeds, armed with baseball bats and scaffolding poles. A member of our group claimed to have seen one of the young men brandishing an axe. We were alarmed by this and resumed fleeing. We ran to the area known as Canning Town.
We continued fleeing, arriving finally at the Custom House DLR station. Again we congratulated ourselves on escaping our pursuers yet, due to our fatuous nature, we neglected the fact that were on an illuminated, elevated platform thus rendering ourselves easy to spot. Our attackers arrived on the platform so our group began to disperse in different directions. However, the exits had been sealed off. A few members of our band surreptitiously boarded one of the trains but a smaller group of us decided to escape via the DLR track. We dismounted the platform and were forced to make a hasty escape as another train was due to travel along that very track in five minutes time. The route was made treacherous by the large amounts of gravel and the presence of an electrified rail.
We ran quickly whilst some of our friends were being apprehended on the platform behind us.
We arrived at the next station where a man was standing reading a newspaper. He alerted us to the fact that what we were doing was in fact illegal. In response, a close friend of mine decided to physically assail the man, ruining his newspaper. It was very amusing. I eventually made my way out of the station fortuitously happening upon a friend of mine who was driving his car. He drove me back to my house. Once inside my domicile, I was still aware of some of the Asian boys outside. I didn't leave my home for two days. The following day, one of my friends who had been apprehended by the attackers contacted me via telephone and claimed that the group had held him captive in the boot of their car. He told my that the group had been armed with firearms but I decided that this was untrue. This particular young man is renowned for spreading falsified information.

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