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Scotch Egg


Written by S Eggs
25 Monday 25th February 2008

As he’s on a massive tour of everywhere in the world at the moment, we guessed it wouldn’t be long before he returned to our neck of the woods and we could get a sit-down chat. That day came about last Saturday when a random conversation with a girl (who described herself as “a model of sorts”) revealed the Scotchy one would be playing a secret gig at a cockney-geezer pub deep in the heart of Lewisham.

We couldn’t conceive how a place as normal and unprepared as Lewisham could deal with the insanity that is a Scotch egg show, so we went to witness the damage. THEN we heard his partner-in-crime Shitmatt was going to be there as well. This was going to be carnage. 

We meet up with Scotch Egg beforehand for a few drinks and a chat. Scotch is amped about the gig and says he’s “pretty confident” that everything will go well. We point out that we’re in the heart of South-East-London-geezer-land and far away from the 24-hour party-zone that Scotch would call home and we would call ‘Brighton’. Scotch seems undeterred though, re-iterates that “everything will be fine” and orders another JD and coke. 

Even though we’ve been doing this whole journalism lark for a while now, we honestly can’t explain how the set went. You know that sense you get that everybody is partying too hard and letting go a bit too much and you can see things are definitely going to get put of hand? This is what I feel like five minutes into the performance when people start jumping on the stage and circling the monitors at the front. Scotch retaliates by auctioning the table at the front of the stage to one of the audience, then challenging everyone to a fight, then deciding a mosh-pit would be better and starting one himself. 

By the time the set is halfway through everybody is stage-invading and spraying beer everywhere. Security had decided to give up the ghost and anarchy reigns supreme. Kids are hurling themselves at each other, gabba blares through the speakers, which are synced up to the Super Mario Bros theme and various Gameboy-composed ditties. ‘Scotchenhausen’ finishes off the show and Lewisham has been gleefully converted.  

After the gig we try to get some sense of what just took place while a confused (and very drunk) journalist from a massive rock magazine, who we shall not name but it rhymes with 'smash', decides to get involved. 

DON’T PANIC: “So what’s with the tour? We didn’t hear you were releasing a new album or anything.” 

SCOTCH EGG: “No, I’m not releasing an album, I’m just out on tour for fun.” 

DP: “What happened to the whole KFC-core thing? We didn’t hear even one mention of chicken the whole night. Did Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall get to you as well then?"

SE: “No, I just got bored with that. Time to move on I think.” 

DP: “Yeah, I guess it’s time to pass the chicken-obsessed-dance-music-guy torch on to the next generation maybe.” (Like, maybe these guys? Look forward to a feature on them soon.)

SE: “Yeah.” 

DP: “We were speaking to Akiko from Pre recently and she was saying you guys are doing the band thing together.” 

SE: “The band is called Drumize. Akiko does vocals and I do some drums and laptop stuff.” 

DP: “That sounds good.” 

SE: “No, no. Not good, it’s awful.” 

DP: “Haha, I’m sure it’s not that bad.” 

SE: “Everyone from DP has been so nice. It’s strange because journalists are often very strange people.” 

DP: “Thanks.” 

GUY FROM ANOTHER MAGAZINE THAT RHYMES WITH 'SMASH': “WAIT! What do you mean all journalists are weird? And why are you agreeing with him. You’re a journalist? I mean, journalists CAN be weird but… what do you mean by weird? 

SE: “No, I don’t mean anything bad. I just mean most of the time journalists either ask the same boring questions or just try and ask offensive questions.” 

GUY: “Yeah, I know where you’re coming from. Journalists ask a lot of stupid questions.” 

SCOTCH: “Yes, I’m just saying that.” 

GUY: “I guess I can see where you’re coming from. Journalists do ask a lot of stupid questions. Didn’t I just already say that? I’m pretty drunk to be honest.” 

DP: “Yeah, you have been drinking quite a bit. You were going pretty mental on the dance-floor back there. Maybe you should calm down a bit before you hurt yourself.” 

Visit Scotch Egg's page here

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