DJ Martelo goes to the Launchpad exhibition at the Science Museum, unwittingly putting himself at the mercy of a mentally ill scientist with an obsession for harvesting the genes of talented DJs. Lord have mercy on his soul.

Allow me not to introduce myself. I shall remain anonymous in name, but any information pertinent to the story I will be sure to divulge.
 
I am a descendant of Friedrich Miescher, a spearhead in DNA testing. Following in his footsteps is what I have dedicated my life to. After years of cloning mishaps (S Club Juniors and the Olsen twins to name a few), I believe I have finally unearthed clone gold in DJ/Remix magician Martelo.

After numerous failings to trap him, I eventually conceived an elaborate, yet ingenious plan to abstract his DNA. I approached Don’t Panic with a view to conducting an ‘Interview’ with him. He unwittingly agreed to the idea – the fool!

Yes that's right, bit down hard my pretty

Cunningly, we arranged to conduct the interview at the Science Museum’s newly reinvented Launchpad exhibition – a hands-on heaven which would provide me with ample opportunity to appropriate some samples of Martelo’s genetic code and that wonderful ear for a good remix hidden within. Bodily fluids, hair, skin shavings – anything would do.

I arrived earlier than the ‘interview’ was planned. Cunningly I navigated a course around the exhibition, planning exactly when and where I would pounce – a deadly hunter of binary code, creeping through a jungle of data. [I may use names of certain exhibits here that you might not understand, but do try to keep up]

Blow my dear, blow your little lungs out

Extraction 1 – Pedal Power.
This was an exhibit featuring two exercise bikes that visitors pedal in order to power a hair dryer and a light as a demonstration of energy transfer. My plan was to obtain beads of sweat from Martelo’s temple that would be a base to work with.

Extraction 2 – Periscopes
This was an exhibit which used periscopes to demonstrate how mirrors can be used to bounce light. I placed two nano-cameras on the lens of the periscopes in order to capture samples of his retina.

Extraction 3 – Soundbyte
In this exhibit, which was a demonstration of how sound travels, visitors were asked to bite down on a copper straw, which was connected to a sound-proof box. The vibrations of the music playing inside the box travelled through the copper and the biter's skull, allowing them to literally hear through their teeth. My plan was to extract some of Martelo saliva from the straw.

Extractions three, four and five would be fingerprint based. This was becoming far too easy.

More finger-print samples

At 3pm I greeted the Photographer and Martelo. Succumbing to the awe I felt in his presence, I noticed my teeth grinding. Chords of his remixes rattled my brain cage. Inner City vs Lady Sovereign. How delightful. ‘Soon it shall ring live through my DNA P.A. system,’ I thought.

In the lift I recall an awkward silence. In the haze of my excitement I had forgotten about ‘interviewing’.

“Whats next for you Martelo,’’ I slurred. I needed to regain composure.

“I’m Santogold’s tour DJ. She’s supporting M.I.A. My friend Sinden is M.I.A’s DJ too, so should be fun.’’

If only I could penetrate such a group, the possibilities would be endless.

‘’I was on Sinden’s KISS 100 radio show too last week’’

As if I didn’t know this. I know your shoe size Martelo. I know how you like your tea and the exact size in millimetres of your… fingers.

‘’I want to do as many more remixes as soon as possible,” he continued. “But I’m too much of a perfectionist and have very little time.’’

Soon enough we’ll have all the time in the world… all the time in the world my pretty. Remix after remix. The Remix Robot shall be his name.

‘Why don’t you try this?’’

Heat sensors

Extraction 1 completed. I ushered him onto extraction 2 with my right hand while collecting his sweat with my left. After appropriating his retina DNA, I slid the cameras back into my pocket but emerged with some gum so as not to cause alarm. For Extraction 3 he made two attempts. Double swabs. How kind.

After fiddling with every lever, which I brushed for prints imminently, Martelo put on his hat, ready to leave. “Oh before I go can I mention that I’ll be remixing for Fantasy Sound soon, so look out for that…’’
 
Sure you will Martelo, sure you will. We shook hands and he made for the stairs. I never did wash my hand, better to be safe than sorry…

Back to the lab!

Look out for a Martelo remix coming your way soon.