Why Murray Will Never Win

This week Murray is making his bid for Wimbledon. We'll be watching, but we haven't got our hopes up. We know he won't win, you know he won't win - these guys are so sure he won't win they'll refund your new TV if he does. We haven't won since 1936. Why are we so terrible at winning our tournament? Can't we just rig it or something? Anyway, here's a few sobering reminders of our mediocrity for you to enjoy with your strawberries and cream.

Alex Bogdanovic

Alex Bogdanovic

Once hyped as a glowing prospect, Bogdanovic’s talent is largely restricted to excuses. Screwed by bad line calls, victimised by difficult draws and hamstrung by pressure, he was never less than creative in defeat. Boggo still enjoys the Lawn Tennis Association’s faith, to the tune of eight lucrative (guaranteed £10,00 for simply showing up) and winless wild card entries to Wimbledon. He also retained a place on Britain’s Davis Cup team for six straight years, losing every match but one. But now it seems patience has worn thin with the man boasting Wimbledon’s worst ever record and it has been suggested he seek therapy for what may be a pathological fear of winning.

Robert Dee

Robert Dee embarrassing himself

Newspapers eagerly reported Dee’s 54 match losing streak (without winning a set), happily branding him “the worst player in the world”. Harsh on the 21-year old, ranked 1,466 and he's hardly in need of any more punishment. In any case, it emerged that Dee had won matches played in International Tennis Federation competitions during that time, forcing the BBC, Sun and Independent to publish apologies and pay damages. A tragic story with a happy ending, Dee gained international recognition and even received a message of support from Roger Federer.

Tim Henman getting spanked by Lleyton Hewitt

Tim Henman

Probably the most popular British player in living memory, his career was buoyed on beyond its prime by rabid devotion from fans. His non-threatening charm won them over, but unfortunately didn’t have the same effect on his score sheet - he never made it to a single Grand Slam tournament final, either at Wimbledon or overseas. It was the same lack of vigour that often led criticism during his career. We can only imagine that perhaps this timidity was due to an early disqualification from Wimbledon in 1995 for striking a ball girl on the head.

Buster Mottram, tennis player and racist

Buster Mottram

For all their failings, the likes of Dee and Bogdanovic can at least be considered harmless. Not so Buster, whose high profile support for the National Front overshadowed a decent tennis career that once lifted him as high 14 in the world. Several times he stood as a Conservative candidate in parliamentary elections but without success. Last year he was expelled from the UKIP party for attempting to broker a deal with the BNP. A big fan of Enoch Powell to boot.

Henry Austin, in his risqué shorts

Henry ‘Bunny’ Austin

The most recent British man to reach a Wimbledon singles final, Bunny was part of a pre-war golden age in the UK that included the great Fred Perry. Austin reached five grand slam finals but lost them all, as well as two doubles finals for good measure. Despite this, he was exceptionally popular, with a list of celebrity friends that included President Roosevelt, Babe Ruth, Jesse Owens, the Queen of Thailand and Mother Theresa. He is also credited as first man to wear shorts at Wimbledon.