DR. NO MORE PLEASE: THE WORST BOND SONGS EVER

Dr. No More Please: The Worst Bond Songs Ever
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DR. NO MORE PLEASE: THE WORST BOND SONGS EVER



Written by Barney Cox
02 Tuesday 02nd October 2012

Today, Bond celebrates his 50th birthday – it’s officially James Bond Day! To mark this momentous occasion, this Wednesday some crafty crook leaked a snippet of the new theme song for upcoming film Skyfall, which has now been released in its entirety. Sung by none other than Adele, the nation’s favourite singer, it's rather slick.

Regardless of your opinion on the permanently-heartbroken songstress, picking Adele seems like a good call on behalf of the studio executives. At last, we can all breathe a collective sigh of relief, safe in the knowledge that we haven’t been subjected to yet another awful Bond theme. In case you’ve forgotten (lucky you!), we select the worst of the worst for your listening… pleasure?

 

‘The Man With the Golden Gun’ - Lulu

Sounding a little like the theme for a kitsch ‘60s superhero TV serial, Lulu’s stab at a 007 theme, ‘The Man With The Golden Gun’ is awash with stagey vocals and unwelcome bursts of big band brass. It only lasts for two minutes and 44 seconds, but wow, it seems to drag on for an eternity! Luckily, some unintentional comedy is provided by changed slang definitions of the word 'bang'. "He's got his eye on you and me", Lulu warns, before asking, "Who will he bang?" We don't know about you, but we're not sticking around to find out.

 

‘All Time High’ - Rita Coleridge

As if Roger Moore’s Bond hadn’t been corny enough, along came the theme for Octopussy, penned by John Barry and Tim Rice, and sung by Rita Coolidge. You know Rita Coolidge? Yes, THE Rita Coolidge! Cheesier than a cheese explosion in a cheese factory (it happens), the song peaked at an embarrassing 75 in the UK charts – and with a cringey smooth-jazz saxophone solo and nauseating lyrics like, “We'll change all that's gone before, doin' so much more than falling in love”, it’s not hard to see why. Barf.

 

‘A View to a Kill’ - Duran Duran

We apologise for resurrecting this neon-clad monster from the grave of semi-obscurity, but it just had to make an appearance in this list. Deciding that our eardrums obviously weren’t bloodied enough, Octopussy sadist John Barry recruited self-important ‘80s pop band Duran Duran for his next Bond masterpiece, A View To A Kill. If only the song could follow its own imperative and “Dance into the fire”, never to return.

 

‘Die Another Day’ - Madonna

Madonna recorded ‘Die Another Day’ for the Pierce Brosnan-starring 007 film of the same name. The video for this song is the second-most expensive music video ever made, costing a whopping $6,000,000. Unfortunately, the tune is flatter than a pancake, partly due to dodgy synthesisers that made Madonna sound like she's turned into a robot. Not only that; its lyrics also resemble the ramblings of a madwoman, with Robo-Madge crooning, “I’m going to wake up, yes and no”. Well, we’re going to mute the volume, yes and no.

 

‘Another Way to Die’ - Jack White and Alicia Keys

Expectations were rightfully high when indie darling Jack White and R&B wonder woman Alicia Keys first announced that they would collaborate on the theme for Quantum of Solace, Daniel Craig’s second outing as Bond. Unfortunately, these expectations were quickly dashed. A snooze-fest of a verse leads to a chorus as anti-climactic as a typical New Year’s Eve party. Perhaps this is why one YouTube user has imaginatively re-titled the tune, ‘Another Way to Shit’.

Skyfall will be released nationwide on October 25th.

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