ANONYMOUS VS THE SCIENTOLOGY

Anonymous does not forgive. Anonymous does not forget. Anonymous is legion. Anonymous: Because none of us are as cruel as all of us...

Have you heard about Xenu? I mean Xenu the intergalactic warlord. You know, Xenu, the intergalactic leader that killed every alien in the universe and then flew them to earth in his glorious fleet of golden spaceships, dropped them in a volcano and then killed them all with missiles before capturing their immortal souls in a giant net? Unfortunately Xenu skimped on the net, it got all got torn and the aliens escaped into the jungles of earth. Then they infected the monkeys that lived in the jungle, and then those monkeys became you.

This is what Scientologists actually believe. I re-iterate: This is what Scientologists actually believe. Some of you may have already seen all this in the Emmy-nominated South Park episode but don’t panic if you missed it. It was immediately pulled off-air after the Scientologists got offended at the depiction of their prophet Xenu.

Okay, follow me now. Have you heard about Anonymous? Way back in the early days of the interwebs people didn’t have a lot of bandwidth. You could only have a certain amount of people using your forum or whatever before the memory ran out and you had to start deleting information. The first thing to go would almost inevitably be user information. All the HOTGUY69’s and CRAZY-CHICK0004565643's would lose their super cool online handles and be reduced to ‘anonymous’. You would then end up with lots of posts containing the same word.

When you get lots of internet posts with the same thing in them, the word, phrase or image becomes a super funny and clever internet joke or a ‘meme’ as they are known. That’s the internet law and internet law is a serious business.

Over the years Anonymous became legion. Hackers, keyboard-warriors, copypastas, newfags and lurkers became anonymous. Like an out-of-control botnet, the internet hate machine became more and more powerful day-by-day. In an exclusive Fox ‘news’ report, Anonymous was unmasked as a terrifying new force in domestic terrorism - hackers on steroids and threatening geeks launching DDOS attacks at will and even forcing entire schools and football stadiums to close due to anonymous bomb-threats.

Among the victims were white nationalist Hal Turner who had his site hacked and taken offline costing him thousands and the video game store GameStop who suffered numerous DDOS attacks and black faxes forcing them to close several of their stores for days, which cost them millions in lost revenue. There was also internet paedophile Chris Forcand (eew) who was exposed by Anonymous and carted off in the party van. Because Anonymous is anonymous, the police are left powerless to prosecute when it does fall foul of the law. The only recourse for potential victims being CCTV, bars on the window and a big dog.

On 10 Jan Anonymous announced Project Chanology, an irl attack on the Scientologists due to their attempts to censor the internet. Within hours, their main website (www.scientology.org) was down, subject to a massive DDOS offensive. Next came anonymous letters containing an anthrax-like substance (it turned out to be corn). Next came the Photoshop offensive, Anonymous’ weapon-of-choice. YTMND’s began appearing all over the web. Google bomb operations were launched to send the most damning of these to the top of any scientology-related search.

A worldwide rally was held on 10 Feb. This was the first time Anonymous; a faceless, nameless, disparate collection of net-kids had a common purpose, a common enemy. The Scientologists brushed off the threats as the meaningless talk of internet geeks and virgins. Anonymous quietly prepared for its offensive in various secret web spaces and social-networking groups. Suddenly the 10^th was upon us. Oh fuck here comes the internet!

The score on the door: The protest ended up going well. Loads of Anons turned up and even though there was a lot of meme faggotry (longcat etc) the Scifags still got terrorised. Lulz were had and the protest was a complete success (of course nothing was actually achieved but that was the point).

UK (Britfags): 500+

AUSTRALIA (Ausfags): 300

AMSTERDAM (Drugfags): 50+

U.S.A (Amerifags): MASSIVE FAIL! Well done America (not really, you suck)

We aren't going to tell you/link you to where Anonymous hangs out online because that would break rules # 1 and 2. We are also calling rule 34 on gas mask girl and the whole thing in general. Don't Panic if you don't understand half of the references in this article - it just means you suck and fail at being cool on the internets, thats all.