Here at Don't Panic we decided to pair up Styleslut with Toddla T and send them off to the Lazarides Gallery to review the Lucy McLauchlan exhibition. We were a bit surprised when a 18-year-old, recently deflowered virgin called Carmella Adrianna with an obsession for Toddla T turned up. Unfortunately she didn't have much to say about the artwork. But she had lots to say about other... stuff.

My friends couldn’t understand why a semi-attractive 18-year-old with a half-decent personality was still a virgin. I kept trying to convince myself that it had something to do with God and her not wanting me to catch Aids. Stupid, I know, but she obviously wasn’t stopping me from catching something as trivial as Chlamydia or crabs. The big woman upstairs could only be protecting me from something totally major, like HIV.

Happier Places by Lucy McLauchlan

I’d always had a crush on my BFF’s brother Sean. He looked like a cross between Toddla T and Julian Casa-whatever-his-name-is from The Strokes. He had this way of chewing food that was so primal and sexy. I’d stare at him and all I wanted to do was jump in his lap and lick his face like a big manly lollipop. The first time I saw him was when he was swimming at my school. He was so good at it - I swear to God he could have entered the Olympics and won that shit with one arm tied behind his back. You know when you look at someone and everyone else in the room disappears? Well, I didn’t quite get that feeling when I looked at Sean, but let’s just say I could have made a movie with what was going on in my head. Although it probably would have been banned for containing excessively lewd content.

'It Takes 2'

I’d always catch him looking at me when he thought I wasn’t looking – whether I was bending over to tie my laces or hastily fixing my hair in my pocket-mirror, it was obvious that Sean wanted me. So, why hadn’t he approached me yet? Time was running out! If I was still flying on Virgin Airways by my 19th Birthday, then I’d have to do something drastic… like pay a man-whore to sleep with me or something.


Wait. Who was I kidding. I could never pay a guy for sex. I wanted Sean and I wasn’t going to settle for anything less. I took a leaf out of Carrie Bradshaw’s book and threw on my Little Miss Assertive hat. With all the courage in the world plucked straight from my Sex in the City box set, and enough make-up on to blind somebody, I strutted up to Sean with a swing in my hips that would have made Marilyn Monroe proud. I was shitting myself, but he didn’t know that. His mouth nearly hit the floor when I told him how much I wanted him.
 

Slit by Lucy McLauchlan

So, we’ve been dating for like two months now and I think we’ve done enough kissing and finger-fucking to last a life time. I always wanted Sean to be my first. I knew that from the moment I met him. The sexual tension between us was strong enough to make my twat explode, but I was just so nervous about the whole thing. His parents were going away one weekend and he invited me round to stay. I remember lying on his bed, wearing the matching underwear he’d bought me from Primark. He was so gentle - kissing me along my thighs and rubbing his finger around my belly button in little circles. I remember thinking in my head: “What if I’m too tight? What if I’m too dry’… What if I’m…”

None of that stuff mattered though. I can’t even remember if I enjoyed it or not. I just remember hearing Marvin Gaye and closing my eyes because I was too nervous to look at him. The best part was laying my head on his chest afterwards. He ran his fingers through my hair and told me I was his “best lay, ever.” Damn. Sean had such a fucking way with words.

Lucy McLaughlan hosted her first solo London exhibition at Lazarides Gallery. For this particular exhibition she worked only in black and white indian ink. Following her original aesthetic of creating work with little preparation she allowed her instinct to direct the art produced. None of her work has anything to do with Carmella Adrianna and her love affair with Sean.

Here is the artist Andrew Celso's interpretation of what happened between Carmella Adrianna and Toddla T and the way in which she lost her virginity.

For more info on Toddla T be sure to check out his myspace
http://www.myspace.com/toddlat