The British government recently proposed that immigrants should be required to pass a points test for citizenship before they're allowed to get their grubby little foreign paws on a British a passport. Points are given for language ability, earning potential, qualifications or willingness to move to places like Scotland, where native Brits can't be bothered to live. But who cares about UK immigration when Shoreditch and Dalston (the only places that matter) are being flooded by uncool newcomers from places like Richmond and sometimes even Hampstead Garden Suburbs. Points tests should really be given to regional folk before they set foot in the ditch of a Friday night. Perhaps it should look a bit like this (photo above).

On to the test...

1. What is considered try hard and therefore not accepted by the Shoreditch residency?

a. Wearing more than one piece of checked clothing

b. Wearing nothing but clothes from Beyond Retro, All Saints, American Apparel, Urban Outfitters

c. Pretending that you don't know anyone, instead of pretending that you do know everyone, when really you don’t actually know anyone, to throw trendies off the scent.

d. Making friends with members of Shoreditch house, 'Just to use the pool'.

e. All of the above.

2. What is Village Underground?

a. A place where tube drivers live, and sleep in small caves

b. A bar where entry is only permitted when dressed as a member of the Village People

c. An arts venue situated around the corner from The Drunken Monkey

3. What is The Shoreditch heckle?

a. When a non trendy enters Hoxton Square everyone shouts for them to piss off back to Notting Hill and surrounding areas, unless they're fit.

b. The noise that trendy’s make when they enter The Rocks, Trailer Trash night and hear the music

c. When a band is bad and the crowd shout, “Oi, do you do requests? Play Stairway to heaven!”

4. From what year did The Big Chill bar on Brick Lane stop becoming a cool hangout?

a. 2006

b. 2002

c. 1999

d. Right after The Hoxton Pony did

5. Which one of these garments would a Shoreditch resident wear with pride?

a. Tutu

b. Reindeer jumper

c. Kanye West Sunglasses

d. Fake Chanel handbag with chain strap

6. A Shoreditch couple should have which of these combinations?

a. Matching coloured hair, preferably platinum blonde or black

b. Red lipstick, black eyeliner and a ring through one nostril

c. Matching leather satchels containing first edition leather bound books

d. Golfing trousers held up by braces and wearing small black bowler hats

7. Which of these illegal drugs would not be found in the pocket of a Shoreditch dweller?

a. Ketamine

b. Cocaine

c. Poppers

d. Cannabis

8. Which of these artists first solo exhibition was at the White Cube in Hoxton?

a. Tracey Emin

b. Kofi Annan

c. Noel Fielding

d. Ban Ki-moon