Who better to ask for advise on your sex life and personal problems than a man with gender issues who likes to take his clothes off on stage and rub glitter into his breastages. Scottee is our new celebrity agony aunt. Ask him anything you want. Send questions to contribute@dontpaniconline.com.

Dear Aunty Scottee,

My boyfriend recently told me that he'd like it if I spanked him while we're having sex. I was quite into it, but when I did he let out this noise like a little girl. He's normally really dominant in bed so it really put me off. I didn't know how do deal with it. Now he wants me to spank him all the time and it's awkward. I don't know what to do.

Thanks,

Anon

Anon,

This is quite normal - I receive 100's of letters like this every day and I have the answer. Next time he's going at you, place your middle finger in your mouth, salivate over the digit to lubricate it while your other hand spanks him repetitively. Slide the lubricated finger down his back and into the anus. If he squeals like a girl and asks you to stop he will relate the spanking behaviur with a bad pain and your sex life will return to normal. However, if he enjoys a finger or two he's gay and best you got rid of him

Yours

S X

Gay test - which one is gay?

Dear Scottee,

At one of your nights the other day my friend tried to kiss me. We are both boys. I kind of turned away and pretending not to notice... said we should go to the bar for some shots. But I kind of wish I had tried it and I let him keep his hand on my butt while we were at the bar. Am I gay?

Phil

Dear Phil

Yes you're gay, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life in shopping centres, hair salons and Vauxhall clubs? Do you think shitting yourself on GHB, getting an IKEA club card and waking up in a sauna on a Monday morning is the life you want to lead? Delete his number from your phone book, close your Facebook profile and find new friends who like football.

Yours,

S X

David

Dear Aunty Scottee,

I recently joined my local Virgin Active because I wanted to 'beef up'. I went for the first time last week and don't think I can go back. I was shocked to see that all the men in the changing room walk around completely naked. But what upset me most of all was the sizes of their members. I didn't realise mine was supposed to be that big and now I feel humbled and insufficient. Should I be worried? Why is life so unfair?

David (not my real name!!)

Dear David,

Size should never hold you back. I've made my millions from being a plump princess who gets her tits out - have you ever thought of using your baby's arm to pay the bills? You can earn £250 - 400 each flick for shooting your wad and in the current financial climate you can't be too choosy.

hmm... 'David' isnt really going to sell you and your asset. We need to rebrand you. None of that mother's maiden name and pet name shit, take Dirk Diggler for instance, it's catchy, it's naughty, its now!

Next time send me pictures,

Yours

S X